There was a guy who was looking at his father whom was dying in a hospital bed one day. The illness his father carried had rendered him unable to speak. His son was telling him things like 'I love you' and such and moved forward to give his dad a hug when suddenly his father started shaking real bad and since he couldn't speak due to the illness, he motioned that he wanted to write something down. His son realized that his father was probably about to die and wanted to have some final words so he gave his dad a piece of paper and a pen. His dad scribbled some words down on the paper and handed it back to his son after which he passed away. The son decided not to read the paper right there and instead was going to read the words when he gave the eulogy at his funeral to everybody there.

A few days later at the funeral, the son was giving the eulogy, telling everybody what a great man his dad was. Then he said "I was with him during his last few moments on earth. Before he passed away he left me some last words on this piece of paper. I'd like to share with you all what his last words were." He pulls out that piece of paper and unfolds it, then reading off the paper, he says...

"You're standing on my oxygen hose."

Now that's mean!!!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed...

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

Ghehe... nice one

Cat Haiku

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service, none.

My brain: walnut sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

Am I in your way?
You seem to have this backwards.
This pillow's taken.

There's no dignity
In being sick--which is why
I don't tell you where.

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.

Your mouth is moving,
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

Toy mice, dancing yarn,
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced
You're an idiot.

So true! Cats are the best!

I have one "very funny" joke...

Two old women sit in the dark. There comes the third one and turns on the light.

ok, now one real joke.

Two men walk down the street in the night. Suddenly, it started to rain very heavily. The house of the first man was near, but the house of the second man was miles away, so the first man invited second to sleep over at his place. He said: "Come, sleep at my place tonight, it's raining too heavily, you'll be all wet until you get home". Second man agreed to go there. They went to the first man's house. The first man went immediately to bed, and the second man stayed awake. The first man awoke a little bit later and noticed that the second man is not there. He wondered where he might have gone, when the bell rang. He opened the door and saw the second man standing there all wet. "What the hell were you doing?!", asked the first man. "I just went to take my pajamas", second replied.

Ahahaha!! Cool!

A guide to man language...

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Ghehe... and then they say that men can't come up with tactical and clever responses