Nobody has started a joke thread yet so here we go. I heard this story about a week ago and I don't know if it's true or not but it's still funny anyway.

Apparently in Phoenix, Arizona there's an interstate with a 55 mph speed limit and it has one of those speed cameras on it that'll take your picture if you're speeding. Even if you're in a pack of cars it'll draw a red square over your car and the police will know who to send the ticket to. Well this guy was going down that interstate one day at 57 or 58 mph, not breaking the speed limit by much. He goes past that speed camera and sees it click and take his picture. He wonders why it took his picture when he wasn't breaking the speed limit by much and also wonders what would happen if he was doing exactly the speed limit. He gets off the interstate, goes back the way he came and got back on. He passes that camera making sure he's going exactly 55 and the camera clicks again. He is mad that he wasn't breaking the limit at all and wonders what if he was doing 10 below the limit. He gets off the interstate again, goes back the way he came and gets back on. The camera clicks again. Now he's wondering what if he did 10 below what he just did and repeats the process again. The camera clicks again. Now he's wondering what if he was going 25 mph, less than half the posted speed limit and repeats the process for a 5th time. The camera clicks again. Now he's absolutely irate that he was going less than half the posted speed limit and the camera clicked again. He knew he'd be getting 5 tickets in the mail. Of course he planned on fighting them and telling the judge that he never really was breaking the speed limit except the first one when he was going only 2 or so more. He continues on to his original destination and never thought about it again. Two weeks later, he gets the five tickets in the mail. Five tickets for NOT WEARING HIS SEAT BELT! Apparently the camera also checks to make sure people have their seat belt on.

HAHAHA!

Hope no one takes offence, it's just a joke

Two blondes rented a boat and went fishing. After finding a good location, the first blond told the second one to mark the spot so when they came back they will be able to find it again. On the way home, the first one asked;
"How did you mark that spot?"

The reply was;
"I put an X on the bottom of the boat."

To that, the first blond said;
"You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat next time?"

I love blond jokes.

Three blond women enter a bar. They are really happy and chanting 'Only 51 days!' They go to the bar and order some drinks. They are all toasting each other and was just real excited and still chanting 'Only 51 days!' The bartender's curiosity gets the better of him and asks them why they are saying that. One of them says 'We had this puzzle that we was working on. It said on the box 2 to 4 years but we finished it in only 51 days!'



A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”



A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."



A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."



There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

I got a good one:

I had a geography exam yesterday, and we had a question why the world climate in the period of 1945-1976 was below the average.
I answered "The Cold War"...

Lol, some good ones. Ok, time to dig out my joke stash.

This one isn't really a joke, but it's pretty funny. One of my favorites.


HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

I almost thought the story itself would be the biggest joke, but an A+?

I had heard that joke before but it ended with THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY A.

Guy walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man. Places him on the bar. Reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a piano. places it on the bar, and the little man starts to play the piano.

The bartender leans over to the gentlman, and says, "wow, where did you get that guy?"

"Oh i have this magical lamp with a genie inside, Wanna try it?"

"Well, sure!"

the man hands him the lamp and the baretender thinks then says to the lamp, "I Wish i had a Million bucks!" and *POOF* a Million Ducks appear. theres feathers everywhere and the bartender is pissed! he said "whats wrong with this thing?"

"Well i forgot to tell you my genie has a hearing problem, do you think i asked for a foot long pianist?"

^ I don't know if I get it. What could he have wished for to get a foot long pianist? English isn't my native language, so...


I think that education in the USA desperately needs to be reorganised

It means he wanted a foot long penis.